Thursday, January 19, 2012

A No-Nonsense Guide to be A True BLUE Malaysian

Ever find it hard to fit in here? Believe it or not, there are proper procedures to go through to be truly deemed a true blue Malaysian..Beware my friend, it’s not easy being us…

Eat Like There’s No Tomorrow
People eat to live, Malaysians live to eat! Char Kueh Teow, Nasi Lemak,  Laksa. All these words are supposed to trigger the saliva glands automatically before you can even say “flapjack”. The first step to be Malaysian is to make FOOD your motivation in life! Drive for 2 hours to look for the best sate in town, or practice in front of the mirror till you have perfected that longing look on your face when you friend is eating steaming hot Curry Noodles. Remember that skipping a meal is taboo (unless you’re saving stomach space for an upcoming buffet, in the case the kiasu factor overrides the Food Factor).
Our Road, Our Rules
We’ve got our own rules – Green means go, Yellow means speed up, Red means drift, drift, drift! Remember, it’s all at your own risk, ya? Double parking is also a unique Malaysian skill, where your mission is to squeeze your car into every single nook and corner you can find at the parking lot. If there was an Olympic event for Double parking, Malaysian are a shoo-in to win hands down. Practice with a smaller car first, then proceed with bigger sedans. Remember that scratches are definitely a guarantee till you reach perfection.
Tak Paham Bahasa

To you noobs, this means many of us don’t understand the language. If they say “No Littering”, it means you litter beneath the signboard itself. If it says “No smoking”, feel free to smoke and add to the irony by smoking right under the signboard itself. In fact, you know what? Don’t bother learning to read Bahasa and just do what you feel like. It takes a whole lot of courage and guts to go against what the sign says and do just the opposite.
Manglish Expert
We like extra syllables in our conversation, so feel free to add extra Lah, Leh, Liao, Lor or Ah at the end of every sentence. Speaking like that makes you feel more at home and familiar with that person. If not, they’ll most prob call you a snob. Pronounce your R’s as L’s and enunciate every word harshly. Watch more Phua Chu Kang and practice this your local mixed rice stall “uncle ar, gif me cheaper la…..”
Accidents Happen
Yes they do, and when there are road accidents, it’s an unspoken rule that you’ve gotta travel at 10km per hour, slow down as much as you can to take a look and if you can, take a picture!
Malaysian Timing
There’s even a term invented for our concept of time – Malaysian Time. Note to yourself that you’re NEVER,EVER in any case come early unless it’s to queue up for big sale or freebies. Feel free to be AT  LEAST 15 minutes late, and if the person you’re meeting call you up, repeatedly say to him/her “I’m coming, I’m coming” although you’re still at home watching your TV3 dramas.